"Unbelief Rehab"

   If you have a religious bone in your body you should stop reading and make your way over to Joel Osteen's blog cause' I'm going to be real here. I've been in stalemate with God the past few years. I spent my entire youth trusting and loving Him with abandon only to find myself going through the first real hardship of adulthood and my reaction is flicking Him off when He tries to talk to me. I always thought I'd be better than Peter. I'm an idiot.
   After a few years of this I realized I couldn't keep it up forever because He IS right and He IS good and He's NOT going to get off my case and leave no matter how many times I blow Him off. I'm warming up to surrendering, to maybe trusting Him, again. For those of you wondering He didn't do anything wrong. I just misunderstand Him, alot. But it's been a long time since I've wanted to listen to Him or even believe He would stoop to talking to me. Closeness with God begins with loving His word but for the past few years I've found myself hating it, Him. The Bible says over and over "I love you, I love you, I love you." I say "I mad at you, I'm mad at you, I'm mad at you and.... (hold your breath) I don't believe that prayer works."

Joel Osteen is still waiting for you if you want...

My only encouragement comes from a memory of a long time friend who is so precious. Growing up I often found myself amazed at her devotion to Jesus. One day she told me something I'll never forget. She told me how just a few years previous she came to a point in her life when she stopped believing in God. (gasp!) She even wrote him a letter telling Him that He isn't real. (insert uncomfortable laughter) She wasn't ashamed when she told me this and I will never forget it.

Having gone through her similar experience this is my conclusion:
It is easier to not believe in God than to believe in a God who seems cruel.

Therefore:
Those people who don't believe in God are brokenhearted because they have experienced cruelty in some form or fashion.

Which is unusually good news because:
God is near to the brokenhearted. He will not forsake them.
Psalm 35:18

This makes for a valiant outcome. Really, it does.
If you have never questioned if God exists and why, then how on earth can you answer for yourself?

I want to answer for myself. I'm terrified of basing my beliefs or unbeliefs on circumstances and by judging the way other people have lived their lives.
I want to come out of this with my own experience of God as real and good and faithful especially when I'm not any of those things.

So........I'm beginning my "Unbelief Rehab" (laugh all you want, I can't believe I'm writing this)

I will be studying God as Judge.

This decision was based solely on the process of elimination since studying "Jesus as Bridegroom" still makes me nauseated. My demolished heart isn't quite ready for the "I love yous" but I am more than ready to listen to "I will always make good decisions concerning you." I can start there.

For starters I will be listening to this over and over.

http://onecanhappen.wordpress.com/2009/12/29/shelley-hundley-set-free-from-sexual-abuse-understanding-jesus-as-the-judge-who-fights-for-you/

here is her testimony continued in writing

http://blog.ihop.org/general/ihopu-facultys-shelley-hundley-shares-her-healing-testimony/

Other than that I am going to start talking to God about more than just keeping my family safe and replacing my broken water heater. I'm serious.

Happy New Year:)